My identity is an idol which I worship and desire other people to worship. This is why my self is an obstacle which keeps me away from God.

This weekend my plans for going to Martin's house to be with the young people for a few days completely fell through. I wound up instead hanging out with Lindsay, James and Jeremy and doing an insane amount of walking.

While I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them, on my way home I realized that the time I would have spent with the saints was infinitely more valuable and infinitely more precious then the time with my friends. I regret that I missed this opportunity to be with the saints but I have to praise the Lord for his soveriegnty in using this experience to show me the preciousness of time in the Body. For giving me the desire to seek after His members and be blended with them. I pray that the Lord will give me an even greater desire to seek Him out among His members so that I can be closer to Him.

Praise the Lord Jesus.

Amen.

My room is a fucking mess.

At some point, the day before yesterday, I decided that everything in here was my enemy and started throwing things around. Its a little better now... because I moved all my clothes out of the room and threw out some things... but its still a terrible place to be.

This room is like a reflection of my mind. Its impossible for me to keep clean and organized. I'm too fucking red candle.

I bought a game today. Its another piece of trash to toss on top of the pile of things that are wrong with me.

The more I live, the more convinced I become that I'm just waiting to die. Except I know I never will, because God is my God.

Praise His name.

Now if only He'd help me clean up this mess...

I'm on my way back home from James and Lindsay's house. I'm going back to my self. Its a room filled with chaos and nightmares. The nightmare is myself. An empty vessel for God filled with the garbage of the world. This is what I am; satans trash heap. Nothing which is a part of me is pleasing to God except the void which he entends to fill, and even that is lacking because it is still nearly empty.

Sometimes when I have a dream, I wake up and feel like the world is about to change.

( Read more... )

The world is a control scheme designed to cause people to place excessive value on themselves and other things related to their existance and distract them from the truth, which is, that human life is inherently meaningless.

I met someone who prefered sleep to sex. I thought he must be crazy, except that I realize now that you aren't self-aware in a dream and therefore not in control. If you aren't in control, there's nothing to worry about.

If you were asleep all the time, not dreaming, wouldn't that be as good as being awake? Or better?

You wouldn't know what you were missing, and you might be missing a lot that you wouldn't like.

The question then is why do we keep waking up?

So basically, God sees the Amalekites as the flesh. Our fallen, sinful, corrupted selves warring against Him.

Therefore, He tests Saul to find out if Saul will be able to deal with this evil, sinful reality by ordering him, through the prophet Samuel, to slaughter the entire Amalekitean nation down to the last woman and child, as well as all their livestock.

Saul says: Hmmmm... I think I'll spare the king, and some of these animals.

So God gets pissed and says : You asshole. I ordered you to kill EVERYTHING. What's your problem? You're not king anymore.

There are two things in this picture which don't sit right in my head. The first is the fact that God got mad at Saul for sparing some animals and the king, rather then for carrying out the bullshit order in the first place.

Soveriegnty aside, is it legit for God to order Saul to use an army to kill hundreds of thousands of people by the sword? I assume God is personally taking responsibility for the destroyed minds of the soldiers who were ordered to drive their swords through women desperately clutching their screaming infant children to their breasts. Not to mention being forced to kill the children afterwards.

Its no wonder Saul went completely insane. I'm going insane just thinking about it. How did Isreal manage to hold itself together when two hundred thousand soldiers were ordered to commit genocide and then promptly went insane from the horror of it all?!?? Naturally, nobody mentions this. There aren't even hints of this.

What the fuck is wrong with us, when we allow things like this to be done with our own hands?

Our humanity is needed to balance out the unthinkable righteousness of God. Without it, millions of people are going to die and suffer for eternity.

Having to watch my mother and family burn forever is going to make eterity suck a whole lot.

I can only hope that Moses telling God that He's an asshole for wanting to destroy Isreal for their idolatry holds true for us and we won't have to listen to the agonized screams of the rest of humanity forever and ever and ever.

Unfortunately, somehow, Moses fucked it up. Because He still had the Levites kill thousands of people for their idolatry.

What the fuck.

Its 12:42am.

Its 12:43am and I'm having trouble expressing myself in words because theres a conflict inside of me which is trying to dictate what I should and should not do.

Oh well. I guess I'll just go to bed.

We all have a question to ask ourselves.

This question is whether or not we're going to continue to sit around and allow the world to go by around us, becoming progressively shitter, day by day, hoping it fixes itself? Or, are we going to do every tiny thing that we can to make it better? Are we going to devote every instant of our existance to creating a better place to be?

YOU have both the responsibility and the ability to change everything right now. Not 5 minutes from now, not an hour, not a day, not a year or a lifetime from now. You can make the decision to make the world a better place. That you will not rest until humanity stops pulling its shit every day. Until humanity starts hammering out innovation after innovation after acheivement after achievement and starts actually growing. Growing as in getting better, becoming something more then humanity. Growing so much that we're no longer humanity, but something different.

We need to evolve. We've spent too much time in this state. Our growth is purely technological, cultural, and whatever else.
Our being needs to evolve into something better. And each and every one of us is a part of the process.

So what are YOU going to do?